Newspaper

Issue № 324

Week 21 · May 2014

Culture: Music

Zombie rockband ignites the stage

Yesterday the most popular rock band of ever and all time, "Zombies with a propable cause" arrived to Butthaven as a part of their one concert world tour. As it is easily imaginable the tickets to the concert were sold out in three minutes as well as the clay pot fair tickets which were likely to have been sold as the concert tickets to the ever-confused fans. As the black market tickets went sky high, several robbery related murders and muggings were reported later yesterday afternoon.
The concert of ZWPC was as always a great mighty success. Although being accused of looking exactly like thr Rolling Stones their memorable show opener "Groan" could be nothing further from the Stones music. Midways to the concert the crowd was rewarded with the rare b-side ballad "Where's your eye?" and the slow blues song "Don't shoot me again". The show ending finale song "I would have been better off dead" left the audience with unparalleled energy and several loud riots broke later the same evening.
Reporter: Jürgen Behemoth, Chief metal geek of Butthaven (age 12, has his own metal band that knows E5 and F5 chords and has a lot of metal in his head in form of piercings but also a metal plate in his head after a brain surgery).

Sports: Bob-Jane Parker reporting in...

Butthaven Rapture vs. Minor league team Wizzards from Hogsfart friendship match. Most entertaining sports event of the year?

The muddy soccerfield of Butthaven was crowded by drunken and enthustiac fans early on today waiting for the blow of the whistle. The first four streakers were tasered, teargassed and apprehended with respectable amount of police brutality much before the game had even begun. As the game went on elsewhere at Hogsfart the extremely inebriated crowd torched up the Butthaven stadium and repeatedetly molested Henry, the camel of Butthaven Zoo minutes before riot units contained the remaining three fans.
Game itself ended 28-0 for the Rapture at Hogsfart even the Rapture had five players driven off the field with red cards from the referees during the first two minutes of the game for strangely hockey terms "elbowing, fight instigating and roughing". Local media says the traumatised Wizzards left the field only moments later. Head coach Mr. Morph is also likely to face further sanctions from the league. However in his own words "I admit there was one or two very questionable overreactions but as the scoresheet tells the team was very focused and spirited". A big one for the Rapture and a true thrilling sports event.

Culture: International news

Disillusioned Terrorist

Our today’s interviewee: Jihad Bob, the only known ISIS militant from Butthaven, in his mid twenties appears over a spotty telephone line.
By Ricardo Pajero, Intl Correspondant
What made you travel all the way to middle east in order to become an ISIS militant?
Well. I lost my previous job two years ago and worked in private risk investment sector for a while until last spring. ISIS had these appealing recruitment videos and frankly their fringe benefits were very tempting. I mean nobody offers alike.
Before we proceed with that. What exactly did you do before joining the group?
Well. I worked as a drug mule at first but after a nasty yet medically interesting incident ended up hospitalized and didn’t even get paid. Like said after that I used my savings on a private risk fund.
How much did you exactly spend and what kind of risk fund? Derivatives?
Well, something like that. I actually lost my home and all my savings but I’d do it all over again. The profit margin can be over 100%. It’s Ramesses’ Pyramid Fund. I’m not sure exactly what the fund does but propably construction field.
Ok. Back to your current work assignment. We gather from your tweets that you haven’t been happy with your employment at ISIS?
Man. This sucks, like totally so not Call of Duty and no cool white company horse like in the recruitment videos and I'm die hard believer in what advertisements and politicans say.
Care to elaborate?
Sure. Well, first off there is a huge language barrier. Like, probly for that I don’t get to any of those nice service desk jobs. Secondly the work familiarization is really badly executed if you ask me. We run around in these clumsy jackets and at the end of the day my ears are just ringing! Speaking of my tinnitus, the occupational health care is non-existing! As if they really don’t care if their employees show up to work the next day. Not cool and there is no union to complain to. Actually there is pretty much nobody to complain to. All my dorm mates have moved up the ladder except me apparently since they went to work and didn't come back the next day. Or maybe they just resigned.
Well, Jihad Bob, that sounds like a disappointment. What are you planning for the future right now?
I’m going to do the only work assignment I happen to have tomorrow, get my paycheck and pack up. And I’m going to tell the boss what I think of them. I mean past couple of weeks I wrote a lot of feedback gave it directly to the guy in the mail car. Now the mail car doesn’t even show up anymore. So uncool. Anyway, I’m coming back soon and becoming a sheep at Jimbo’s farm.

Culture: Epic literature

New storybook available in Morph's Kiddypark considered harmful

A tale of happy brain damaged people will teach our toddlers wrong from right, so says the author.

Another educational pamphlet to be burnt at the stake? Let your children decide.

Science: by Albrightus Einschwein

Butthaven observatory locates god

Late yesterday afternoon the Butthaven observatory curator Dan Batman announced breaking news. The observatory has located god in a remote part of the outer reaches of our galaxy. “The sighting is definite”, he explains.
  “We found this five story building tall bearded man dressed in white sheets hovering around in the void”.
What was god doing in the outer space?
“I personally think he’s stranded there most likely ran out of burritos or whatever propulsion he might be using. You know that god’s paths are unknown”.
  I inquired if we are to undertake a rescue mission but Mr. Batman replied “We covered this already. A mission into outer space would require a lot of private funding and quite frankly no business, even the televangelists, want to finance a recovery of a failed bipolar galactic tourist”.
  He continues, “And chronicles of this guy called the ‘old testament’ really underline that bipolarity. I mean if we recovered him, there is absolutely no telling what he’d do to us. Quite frankly he appears to be a sort of a sadistic child who is into animal cruelty. Classically speaking, a serial killer in the making”.
  Meanwhile elsewhere the PMGR (psychotic money grabbing religionauts) has began the construction of their recovery spaceshuttle made out of a dumpster and beercans filled with serious amounts of C4. Butthaven Observer will be following the ongoing events.

By the Readers

Danny looking for more than a friend
Hi. Don’t you know who the fuck I am?! I’m Danny. Dan to friends and I have no friends so call me Danny. I work at the town park as a druid. My hobbies include sodomy and besitiality.
Call me tonight already 898-57-515151-413387 or see me at the park by midnight. I'm no stalker just to let you know.

Vinnie looking for his money
Slothman. I want the $5000 plus the 2000% annual interest you borrowed twenty years ago which said you’d pay back in a short while. I don’t know what your short while is but your kneecaps will be busted soon if my money doesn’t show up. I don’t take no shit.


Issue № 324 Week 21 · May 2014
Culture: Music Zombie rockband ignites the stage Yesterday the most popular rock band of ever and all time, "Zombies with a propable cause" arrived to Butthaven as a part of their one concert world tour. As it is easily imaginable the tickets to the concert were sold out in three minutes as well as the clay pot fair tickets which were likely to have been sold as the concert tickets to the ever-confused fans. As the black market tickets went sky high, several robbery related murders and muggings were reported later yesterday afternoon. The concert of ZWPC was as always a great mighty success. Although being accused of looking exactly like thr Rolling Stones their memorable show opener "Groan" could be nothing further from the Stones music. Midways to the concert the crowd was rewarded with the rare b-side ballad "Where's your eye?" and the slow blues song "Don't shoot me again". The show ending finale song "I would have been better off dead" left the audience with unparalleled energy and several loud riots broke later the same evening. Reporter: Jürgen Behemoth, Chief metal geek of Butthaven (age 12, has his own metal band that knows E5 and F5 chords and has a lot of metal in his head in form of piercings but also a metal plate in his head after a brain surgery). Sports: Bob-Jane Parker reporting in... Butthaven Rapture vs. Minor league team Wizzards from Hogsfart friendship match. Most entertaining sports event of the year? The muddy soccerfield of Butthaven was crowded by drunken and enthustiac fans early on today waiting for the blow of the whistle. The first four streakers were tasered, teargassed and apprehended with respectable amount of police brutality much before the game had even begun. As the game went on elsewhere at Hogsfart the extremely inebriated crowd torched up the Butthaven stadium and repeatedetly molested Henry, the camel of Butthaven Zoo minutes before riot units contained the remaining three fans. Game itself ended 28-0 for the Rapture at Hogsfart even the Rapture had five players driven off the field with red cards from the referees during the first two minutes of the game for strangely hockey terms "elbowing, fight instigating and roughing". Local media says the traumatised Wizzards left the field only moments later. Head coach Mr. Morph is also likely to face further sanctions from the league. However in his own words "I admit there was one or two very questionable overreactions but as the scoresheet tells the team was very focused and spirited". A big one for the Rapture and a true thrilling sports event.	Culture: International news Disillusioned Terrorist Our today’s interviewee: Jihad Bob, the only known ISIS militant from Butthaven, in his mid twenties appears over a spotty telephone line. By Ricardo Pajero, Intl Correspondant What made you travel all the way to middle east in order to become an ISIS militant? Well. I lost my previous job two years ago and worked in private risk investment sector for a while until last spring. ISIS had these appealing recruitment videos and frankly their fringe benefits were very tempting. I mean nobody offers alike. Before we proceed with that. What exactly did you do before joining the group? Well. I worked as a drug mule at first but after a nasty yet medically interesting incident ended up hospitalized and didn’t even get paid. Like said after that I used my savings on a private risk fund. How much did you exactly spend and what kind of risk fund? Derivatives? Well, something like that. I actually lost my home and all my savings but I’d do it all over again. The profit margin can be over 100%. It’s Ramesses’ Pyramid Fund. I’m not sure exactly what the fund does but propably construction field. Ok. Back to your current work assignment. We gather from your tweets that you haven’t been happy with your employment at ISIS? Man. This sucks, like totally so not Call of Duty and no cool white company horse like in the recruitment videos and I'm die hard believer in what advertisements and politicans say. Care to elaborate? Sure. Well, first off there is a huge language barrier. Like, probly for that I don’t get to any of those nice service desk jobs. Secondly the work familiarization is really badly executed if you ask me. We run around in these clumsy jackets and at the end of the day my ears are just ringing! Speaking of my tinnitus, the occupational health care is non-existing! As if they really don’t care if their employees show up to work the next day. Not cool and there is no union to complain to. Actually there is pretty much nobody to complain to. All my dorm mates have moved up the ladder except me apparently since they went to work and didn't come back the next day. Or maybe they just resigned. Well, Jihad Bob, that sounds like a disappointment. What are you planning for the future right now? I’m going to do the only work assignment I happen to have tomorrow, get my paycheck and pack up. And I’m going to tell the boss what I think of them. I mean past couple of weeks I wrote a lot of feedback gave it directly to the guy in the mail car. Now the mail car doesn’t even show up anymore. So uncool. Anyway, I’m coming back soon and becoming a sheep at Jimbo’s farm. Culture: Epic literature New storybook available in Morph's Kiddypark considered harmful A tale of happy brain damaged people will teach our toddlers wrong from right, so says the author. Another educational pamphlet to be burnt at the stake? Let your children decide.	Science: by Albrightus Einschwein Butthaven observatory locates god Late yesterday afternoon the Butthaven observatory curator Dan Batman announced breaking news. The observatory has located god in a remote part of the outer reaches of our galaxy. “The sighting is definite”, he explains. “We found this five story building tall bearded man dressed in white sheets hovering around in the void”. What was god doing in the outer space? “I personally think he’s stranded there most likely ran out of burritos or whatever propulsion he might be using. You know that god’s paths are unknown”. I inquired if we are to undertake a rescue mission but Mr. Batman replied “We covered this already. A mission into outer space would require a lot of private funding and quite frankly no business, even the televangelists, want to finance a recovery of a failed bipolar galactic tourist”. He continues, “And chronicles of this guy called the ‘old testament’ really underline that bipolarity. I mean if we recovered him, there is absolutely no telling what he’d do to us. Quite frankly he appears to be a sort of a sadistic child who is into animal cruelty. Classically speaking, a serial killer in the making”. Meanwhile elsewhere the PMGR (psychotic money grabbing religionauts) has began the construction of their recovery spaceshuttle made out of a dumpster and beercans filled with serious amounts of C4. Butthaven Observer will be following the ongoing events. By the Readers Danny looking for more than a friend Hi. Don’t you know who the fuck I am?! I’m Danny. Dan to friends and I have no friends so call me Danny. I work at the town park as a druid. My hobbies include sodomy and besitiality. Call me tonight already 898-57-515151-413387 or see me at the park by midnight. I'm no stalker just to let you know. Vinnie looking for his money Slothman. I want the $5000 plus the 2000% annual interest you borrowed twenty years ago which said you’d pay back in a short while. I don’t know what your short while is but your kneecaps will be busted soon if my money doesn’t show up. I don’t take no shit.